BA Quest

Where College Students Meet Their Fate

TOP 10 REASONS THERE ARE TOP 10 LISTS

with 2 comments

Top 10 list are everywhere. Lets face it, if you’ve been on the internet for more than a few hours, you have probably seen one of these. We count from number 10, all the way up to number 1, which is supposed to be the best of the best. It doesn’t have to be 10, the number could be 20, 6, 100, 3, it isn’t important. These are all ‘top’ list, the slough of the internet. Cracked.com is a whole website of them.

So why do we need so many lists to count stuff down? Why does the human race torture itself with these numbered cookie-cutter examinations? To answer that I’ve created a top 10 list.

#10 Humans Love Countdowns

Walk into a public restaurant, somewhere quiet but not too snobbish, bring some friends. Now everyone get up and start counting down, maybe start at 15 or something and head down toward 1. If the people in that place don’t join in, you’ll see the tortured faces of those that want to. When a count happens, it is contagious. The whole crowd wants to be part of it, whether it is because the noise overtakes us, or we just want to see what is at the far end.

Bonus points if we know confetti is coming

This is why you should never make a list the old fashioned way. Bullets are for chumps, they are the sort of list a pansy would make. If you want to list right, you go from the biggest number, and lead right down to the number 1 spot. Do you need to explain the finer points on why your spouse should respect you more? 10 to 1. Need to tell someone why you’re deleting them off your friends list? 5 to 1. Writing your essay on why Miracle Whip is superior to Mayo? You get the picture.

Of course, this is heavy on the instinctual side. This is unconscious. There are other pressures at work.

#9 How Do You Avoid Them?

So lets say you aren’t such a big fan of top 10s, or tops in general. What do you do? I have scoured the internet, and managed to come up with the only five ways to avoid these things while browsing. I will use the less popular ‘top 5’ format for this.

5 – Die. Surefire way to avoid just about anything. That is unless someone’s after-life includes DSL.

4 – Remove your eyeballs. You might still hear a top list, so this one is not recommended.

3 – Unlearn to read. This one is expensive, very experimental, and requires a brain surgery technique that I just made up in my head.

2 – Get off the internet. There is a world out there, it just isn’t all that interesting. Watch out for pamphlets though.

1 – You don’t. Well that’s not a very good answer, not a good #1 either. Doesn’t seem fair. I’ll come back to this later.

THEY.ARE.EVERYWHERE

You better start liking tops list boy, you're in one!

The internet is metaphorically, literally, and metaphysically, inundated with tops lists. There is at least a tops list for every single subject you can think of. If there is not one, it is because your topic is very new, you will have to give the internet at least two hours to churn one out of its cess-hole. Even better, if you need a way to find the best tops list about a subject, you may even be able to find a tops list for the proper tops list.

If this hasn’t driven home yet, that means there are people out there collecting the top 100 websites with top 20 park rides, and then they post them on their GoDaddy.com site and they wait, in darkness, for you to come along and enter just the right words in your search box. Suddenly, when you hit their front page, they are assured that their righteous quest was the correct path all these years.

#8 Silly Internet Pictures and Videos

Well this one is easy. If it comes with cute and silly pictures, the internet cannot get enough of it. This is twice as true if the pictures are obviously photoshopped.

Something isn't right

I'm sure you've seen this one before

If you are going to sit through an inane list describing the top reasons that the N-sync should have a return tour, you may as well have silly pictures included right? This means that when you nod in agreement that Justin’s voice is the 8th wonder of the modern world, you can be tickled pink by the photo of him surrounded by a tourist trap line. Isn’t that funny? They captured your feelings through a badly edited picture. If it was any other way, you wouldn’t be sure if they truly agreed with their opinions. The bad picture is the extra miles that prove they mean business, in the least business-like way possible.

#7 Doing Actual Research is Hard

I’ve done some of that school stuff myself, I know how you feel. Sometimes you want to know a little more, you want some information to itch that little tickle of curiosity. You don’t need any of the hard stuff, forget peer-review, even hard dates are a little much for you. Who needs to know when, where, or why something happened, I just want to see something cool and fast.

Newspapers are hard to hold

What is this? I didn't go to school so I could read at home.

I know that there are some topics that are just too annoying to research myself. So I trust the ace reports of therestoftheinternet.com to do the work for me. You see something that interest you, and you just go with it. The other day I saw someone mention the top 10 ways for a writer to get noticed, well **** yeah I want to know about that. Who is this person? I don’t know, probably some other guy who read a list on the top 5 ways to get noticed as a writer, and listened to the number 1 that said, “MAKE A TOP 10 LIST!”

Besides, who cares if the person’s research is faulty, you probably won’t share the things you saw there anyway. I mean you’ll just link it to your friends, post it on your facebook, retweet it on twitter, and then drop some of the factoids into casual conversation. You won’t take it seriously though, that will cross a hard line.

#6 Boredom

This one is about halfway up for a reason. When you’ve had a long day and can’t find anything to do, sometimes you want to put your brain to sleep and see what the internet has to offer. So why not read a list. There will be funny pictures, maybe a joke or two about a movie you recently saw, I bet someone will even throw in a nostalgia bomb. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll count down to 1.

LOVE ME

I made this a puppy to wake you up.

Who said that entertainment had to be intellectually stimulating, no one, ever. If someone wants to tell me the top places I can go to see people bungee jump, it is only a matter of time and lack of other things to do before I’ll read that list. I have never bungee jumped, I don’t plan to ever bungee jump, I don’t even particularly like heights. That list is still on a slow-moving to-do list that is waiting for me to give up on every other productive task in life.

#5 Getting Trolled

Still A Troll

Adorable

Now for one of the reasons these things get created. You ever been halfway through a list and seen something that just peeves you to next Tuesday? How dare they put Ocarina of time as #40 on the list of greatest games. They said that “Thriller” was below what song? Any list made by an expert, a protopper if you will, includes things like this. They want you to glow with anger early in the list, that way you have to see what else is there. You can’t just tell your friend “They said Snooki was only the 8th worst thing to come from New Jersey”, someone will ask you, “What was number 1?” Well what do you say then silly goose?

That means you have to finish the list, so you can have strong categorized points of frustration to tell everyone who gets in your way right after you read the list. I feel sorry for those poor saps.

#4 We Love To Similar

Anyone who tells you they are unique is either lying, or plotting to murder you. It is just a matter of scientific fact, we are a giant pack that strives to do whatever the cool kids are doing. The more unique someone claims they are, the more likely they are trying to join some popular group. I don’t need to tell you this though, this is the internet. If you don’t know this by now, you have other problems, and should probably just shut your internet box down.

Family

It feels good to be special

When you see a list that includes something you might know something about, you are already making a list in your head of where things should be. You create your own top 10 before you even see their top 10. You and the author are suddenly co-topping, which is probably also the name of a dangerous sex position. When you see anything on their list that matches your top, you now can give a little cheer. You aren’t so weird, you are part of the crowd, just as cool as this cool guy who managed to put something on the web. If it is on the internet, that means a famous person had to be involved right?

Well I’m not going to argue with that. Every right answer is going to give your mind another one of those instinctual jumps. Hoorah, I am one of the pack. The author gets the same thing, though usually in some after-the-fact satisfaction through comments or forum posts.

Of course we don’t always like to agree, especially with those we are actually close enough to know.

#3 Competition and Vindication 

Sometimes you just want to know that you were right and everyone else was wrong. This is especially true for any top list made by more ‘official’ sources. Which usually means that some giant company hired their media managers who hired their PR guys who hired a writer you don’t know to write a top 10 about some product that the aforementioned giant company owns. Maybe some technology was used to calculate this list with hard data, or maybe it is just based on random opinions and TMZ articles, it is obviously fact and you are obviously smarter than Stephen from 8th grade, that jerk.

Whoever is to the right is a busta

Everyone who doesn't agree is a loser

Not that pointing and laughing is the best way to make new friends, but it is one of the best ways to start a petty argument with old ones. Sure there is probably an equally important list that says the exact opposite of what your list just said, but this is the internet people, and we play for tops. That means facts aren’t important, the only thing that is important is that number 1 spot.

#2 Anticipation

Once you’ve come this far on a list, you don’t know what to do. I mean, number 2 is always a downer. Maybe it is your favorite, maybe this is the ultimate troll spot that is going to force you to head down the page further to check out number 1.

That poor barely dressed white woman

Everything was suspenseful in black and white

How could you possibly stop at this point. The final answer is just right there. Especially if you haven’t seen your favorite answer in the list just yet. I mean, I read through 14 Disney movies so far and they haven’t listed the Genie as the worst sidekick, so that means he should be #1 right? It is the only possible solution. I don’t have to commit myself to this, I can just look down, get my answer, and leave. Come on weakened heart, you can make it, we will get through this together.

So you prep yourself, still your baby-bladder, and you move forward to see what is at the top of the list, by looking at the thing at the bottom of a web page. Alternatively, they will enhance your anticipation by putting the #1 on a different page, or making you wait until next week. Okay cool, now I’m dedicated to your ridiculous list, and your funny pictures, don’t mind me as I subscribe to your site just so I can forget to read the conclusion.

#1 Disappointment

Baby tears

Your tears fuel the internet, random baby

You will be disappointed with the top spot. Those few times that you are not disappointed, you won’t even remember. It will be just another thing on the internet, some code that floats off into the aether. That isn’t what a top 10 list author wants, that isn’t his or her diabolical plan. When they put this list together it is to drag you, kicking and screaming from the page your mother linked you, to its horrible conclusion. Then when you get there, you face the horrible monster at the end of the page.

Your own rage.

I just want to strangle myself

If you see red, they see green

Why should they make you hate them, why should the top spot be something you will categorically disagree with? Because that is what keeps people coming back. If you agreed, if you liked it, you would go to sleep satisfied. I don’t go around the internet reminding people of things that made me feel really calm, neutral, mellow. My links are about my unfathomable rage, that will be exacted against JTBLOGGER94 and anyone on his, I assume, respectable staff of internet writers.

So when you go spreading links to their top 10 just so you can tell everyone how much you disagree with it, they get hit after hit. Notice this is the opposite of how a lot of things work. If I wanted to get more hits on a news piece, I would try to be agreeable. I want the hugs and kisses of all the internet peoples. A top 10 list? I want you to hate my guts, I want you to think I have betrayed mankind on a fundamental level.

What will I be doing? Collecting your screams of agony in specially prepared bottles meant to keep me alive for another 10 years. My plan is in motion, and there is nothing you meddling readers can do about it.

Well, you could write a top 10 list of your own, that would show me.

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Written by MD Kid

11/07/2011 at 2:33 AM

2 Responses

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  1. Haha, awesome. Great job! This is hilarious and amazing.

    Kaitlin

    11/07/2011 at 3:14 AM

  2. Thanks for the compliment, I can use all the encouragement I can get. Haha.

    MD Kid

    11/07/2011 at 5:35 AM


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